We all know that cluelessly annoying and ignorant person that you encounter at the restaurant and tavern; the person that despite decades of socialization, schooling, and basic human interaction just doesn’t seem to understand or care how to operate in public. THAT GUY. In this series of articles, I will attempt to assist THAT GUY with some basic tips to optimize their experience in the restaurant and tavern setting or, lord willing, society itself. Today we will focus on how to approach dealing with a bartender and the guests attempting to enjoy the bar in an appropriate manner.

Upon entering the establishment, you may encounter a situation where the bar is already full (not uncommon during peak season for tourism). Your initial feeling might be to push through your fellow humans to arrive at the bar rail and demand service. This would be an incorrect approach. In high school when you were the greatest running back in the county, you surely would’ve been rewarded for busting through a wall of humans but we’re not on the gridiron anymore. Wait your turn like a regular adult that refuses the notion that they peaked in their late teens.

Now that you’ve patiently waited your turn to gracefully land at the bar rail, you might find another level of frustration; other patrons also looking for immediate service. While an ingrained entitlement rages through your brain as you are not met instantly with an acknowledgment, resist the urge to whistle or snap your fingers. Your dog responds greatly to those types of commands, but humans tend to have an adverse reaction and unfortunately bartenders are generally people. That’s not to throw shade at our four legged friends but without opposable thumbs it’s quite difficult to mix drinks, so unfortunately you will almost assuredly have to deal with thumbed beings who walk upright.

W2699Once the bartender approaches, be sure to know what you want as nobody in the place has time to wait for you to work on your pronunciation of “umm.” The bartender will offer a greeting such as “How’s it going today?” Every fiber of your being is thirsty and you may be compelled to blurt “Busch Light!” Don’t forget our prior lesson; you’re dealing with a pesky human and like all general interactions in normal life you should respond to what was actually spoken to you. Instead of just blurting your drink order, attempt to actually establish a basic connection by responding with something like, “I’m doing well, thank you. May I please have a Busch Light?” The bartender will be so elated to be treated with a minimal level of respect that they will assuredly present you with your drink as soon as they are physically capable.

So you’ve reached your coveted spot and you’ve acquired your special beverage and only one thing could make the experience better for you; a photo to commemorate your great success. There goes that entitled brain again, looking to perfectly capture that organic moment in the most staged way possible. Your initial instinct is begging you to get that bartender to stop juggling their multiple tasks to rush over and capture that generic, completely repeatable moment in time. Take a breath, move your head side to side, think of a solution to your photographic conundrum…breathe…literally anyone else not working can take the picture…ah yes, a breakthrough! Literally anyone else in the building could take the picture you may or may not delete later. Bartenders are much more effective focusing on making drinks than snapping vapid pictures.

I know this was a lot to process but the approach to just walking into the busy bar is almost complete…almost. You did so well but we will take a recess to give you time to process the first seemingly obvious steps. There’s a lot more to learn and absorb so stay tuned as we continue your journey into optimizing your tavern experience with basic humanity.

Also, keep your eyes open for tavern and restaurant reviews COMING SOON…